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summer vacation for ASD kidsSummertime typically creates a change in everyone’s daily routine. For parents it means having the kids home all day and for children being out of school means a less structured environment. Sometimes these changes are positive and that’s great but sometimes they can be challenging. One unfavorable result a summer schedule can have on a child during school vacation is what I call, “Summer Brain Drain.”

If I ask you to think back to the beginning of this school year I am sure you are able to see many areas of growth that your child has made, academically, emotionally and socially.

Do you want your child to maintain all of the learning and developmental progress she or he has made this year? Of course you do – but the old adage, “use it or lose it” applies to us all.

Therefore, parents need to be prepared for ways to protect their children from the brain drain that can occur throughout the summer months.

If you want your child to maintain most or all of the forward progress he or she has made during the school year and prevent any loss of the learning momentum and therapeutic progress made, then you need to remain alert and be proactive when it comes to how your child spends her time.

One way to keep brain drain from striking your child is to constantly ask the question, “What is my child learning?”  It is extremely important to always think about the cognitive benefits your child will incur when creating a schedule of summer activities for your son or daughter.

I am not suggesting that summertime be all work and no play. Finding the right balance of down time needs to be addressed as well. Children do learn a lot from simple exploration and play but the challenge for you as a parent is to provide your child with guided opportunities that will maximize learning potential and optimize brain development while having fun, especially when out of school.

Yes children need a break, and so do parents, but an overabundance of unscheduled, unstructured time is apt to create anxieties that can lead to trouble. Children may welcome this retreat from teachers and books but it is important to maintain a schedule that continues to challenge their mind, especially a child with autism that needs constant reinforcement to keep precious brain wiring in place.  The ideal to strive for is a summer schedule that will not only retain but also expand your child’s cognitive growth.

So what do you need to consider when building a summer schedule that prevents this from happening?

How can you ensure that not only your child with Autism, but your other children as well, will fill those time gaps with brain building activities?

Here are some suggestions for a summer schedule that will help you provide an environment conducive to learning and maintain any new wiring your child’s brain has acquired over the school year.

- Gather information. Before the last day of school or that last therapeutic intervention talk to your child’s teacher(s) and therapist(s) to see what they are learning and how you can continue to help your child maintain the course he is on. They may have ideas for activities, excursions or even workbooks that will reinforce ongoing learning.

- Maintain a sensory friendly environment. Despite the laid back atmosphere of summer always keep your child’s sensory issues in mind in order to keep sensory chaos from interfering with learning. Taking in new information is almost impossible when a sensory issue has been triggered and we also know this can easily lead to emotional meltdown.

- Schedule daily quiet time. Consider 15-30 minutes of unplugged time per day for your children. Not only does this give your child’s brain a break from too much stimulation but it requires that your child find some quiet and creative way to entertain himself. This may be a prefect time for reading, writing in a journal, listening to music or other self-calming activities that help the brain and body shift into a different gear.

- Pay attention to learning style. Children are so unique that even within the same family you will find differences in temperament and learning style. Make sure you take the time to understand how your child learns best. Once you comprehend your child’s unique way of grasping concepts you can adjust your environment accordingly, thereby making learning more accessible and enjoyable.

- Media management. Research shows that brain development in children matures best when children are interacting with people and the world around them. Too much time with screen machines for amusement purposes only can have a detrimental impact on: cognitive ability, attention span, language abilities, creativity, intrinsic motivation, and social skills. Don’t let TV babysit your child during the summer months.

- Read, read, read! Whether you read to your child or your child reads on her own make time in the summer schedule for reading. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a book as long as it is something that holds their interest such as comic books, magazines, maps, appropriate computer programs/apps, etc. Keeping the brain wired for reading will help your child immensely when it is time to go back to school in the fall.

No longer having to run from one after school activity to another or rush to get everyone out of bed and to school on time can be viewed as a gift of free time but you know and I know that we tend to fill extra time up haphazardly without even thinking about it. We all have default modes that we slip into that we are unaware of and that is how a summer schedule with too much downtime can creep up on us and drain our children’s brains if we are not careful.

Contemplating the suggestions above will guide you to keep summer brain drain to a minimum. Once you adjust your child’s schedule and environment to accommodate conditions for optimal learning, your child and his or her brain, will be more likely to enjoy a stimulating and stress-free break from school.

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Is what you are doing as a parent of a child with an Autism Spectrum Disorder working for you?

Can you see, hear and feel the progress being made or do you feel stuck?

Do you feel as if someone has placed you in a movie that you have no control over – that someone else or something is directing your every move?

That is not a good place for anyone to be in but I am here to tell you that you can take complete creative control and write your own movie script.

That’s right – you have the power to examine what works or what isn’t working in you and your child’s lives and make “edits” to the script you have been given. You always have – it’s just that you have been sidetracked and have forgotten you have this ability – and I am here to remind you.

Choosing to actively edit your life as a parent of a child with autism can be incredibly empowering. I am here to tell you that you have what it takes to be your own movie director; you have the power to get yourself ‘unstuck’, to stop spinning your wheels and start moving again in a forward direction. You know on an instinctual level what to do and what your child needs right now – listen to your inner voice. You don’t have to completely depend upon or wait for experts to rescue you – you can trust your gut and keep putting one foot in front of the other to make quality progress with your son or daughter.

You have the choice to accept the script that’s been unexpectedly assigned to you or you can edit it to create a life that moves you and your child towards his or her fullest potential. You can cut out the extra baggage – the props and the dialogue that are no longer working for you and your child.

Unfortunately, editing your real life isn’t always as easy as erasing a line of text or a scene from a movie. You can’t change the fact that your child has autism but you can change your methods, your approach, and your parenting, especially when what you are doing is no longer working.

Albert Einstein, assumed to be on the autism spectrum himself, is quoted as saying: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” So, pay attention to what is NOT working and STOP doing it.  If your child’s repetitive behaviors continue regardless of telling her to “Stop that!” then it’s time to try another tactic to get the results you want.

You can edit out therapies that are not giving the results you expected, you can stop activities you or your child find stressful, and you can end relationships with people that drain your energy because they just don’t understand. You can replace these scenes with new ones that can lead to more positive experiences for you and your child. Let go of judgment and other emotional baggage and add directives to your script that will shift the current scene toward a better outcome.

To begin editing your life as a parent of a child on the spectrum, simply think about the experiences that occur and determine which ones are no longer serving you and your child. Then make the commitment to remove them one by one and replace them with something else but don’t expect change to happen immediately. This is a process of experimentation and the trick is to be patient long enough to see if something new works yet aware enough to tell when your wheels are beginning to spin.

Here are some things to consider as you experiment with revising your role as director.

Be kind to yourself – Your life as a parent of a child with autism is busy and you need to be gentle with yourself. Give yourself the gift of time by honoring your pace and remember that we all get stuck at times. Think of it as a necessary step in your journey, and ask what lesson am I being taught rather than viewing it as a problem that shouldn’t be happening. This will keep you from getting frustrated and give you the space to figure out what type of shift is needed.

Gain perspective – When things get rough take the time to see things from your child’s point of view. Every child with an Autism Spectrum Disorder is forced to adapt to our world, so why not meet your child halfway? If you expect your child to make all the adjustments then life as a parent will be strained and your household will be unpleasant.

Don’t give in to distraction - Don’t allow the stress of certain situations to sweep you away into a scene that doesn’t follow the script you have in mind for your family. If you find it difficult to be fully present in every moment, spend time thinking ahead of how you would like your day to evolve. Then ask yourself what sort of intention you need to set in order to produce the movie you desire. In the process, identify and prepare yourself for possible obstacles, then contemplate how you might direct the scene around them in order to achieve the results you want.

Never let up on your self-care - Your children function best when you are at the top of your game. When mom, dad and other caregivers are physically, emotionally, socially and spiritually nourished everyone benefits! Getting adequate rest, maintaining social ties, addressing emotions and feeding your spirit are great protective factors. Maintaining your self-care will boost your ability to manage those overwhelming and chaotic periods. Parents are more likely to be happy and enjoy their parenting when they attend to their own well-being.

Focus on the behavior you want to see – Place your full attention on the behaviors you want to see more of. Pick one behavior you really want to change and disregard the other ‘little’ things that irritate you. This is what many experts call ‘picking your battles’. For example, if you choose to concentrate on instructing your child to be a better listener, don’t go into battle when your child ignores you, instead catch her when she listens appropriately and you will slowly begin to see change.

Be realistic and heighten your awareness – As you try to direct new scenes it is unrealistic to expect continuous forward motion – progress will ebb and flow, regardless of your child’s abilities. Notice and savor the small moments where you see improvement yet stay alert to extended periods of time when progress is simply maintaining the status quo or starting to slide backwards.

With a new level of awareness and a little bit of editing, you’ll be able to clear out the muck that may be causing your wheels to get stuck. As you consistently direct scenes to bring about forward motion you will empower yourself and your child as well as enhance the potential for more happiness, appreciation, and wisdom.

So what are you waiting for – get in your director’s chair and start directing!

If you need someone to help you get comfortable in your directors role again consider a jumpstart from a supportive, objective someone – such as a personal parent coach like me - who has helped many parents catalyze change and  re-write the movie they were suddenly cast in.

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Learning a new skill can be a challenge for anyone and instructing someone to acquire the skill can take even more effort.  Let’s examine one of the most difficult undertakings a parent has to accomplish in their role as teacher – potty training. Teaching a child to master this essential daily living skill can be extremely daunting, especially if your child is living in the world of Autism.

potty chairRegardless of where your child lies on the spectrum and what issues and challenges he or she may have a potty training triumph is dependent upon the creation of a “sensory-friendly” environment.

Young or old there are many things that need to come into play when we are trying to acquire proficiency at something new. Riding a bike for the first time, learning an instrument, training for a sport, playing a new game, or becoming proficient at a foreign language, all require a particular alignment to the unique universe each of us thrives in.

For most of us this means creating an environment that is conducive to the way we function best and to a child with an Autism Spectrum Disorder that world is much more complex. Therefore, making the surroundings advantageous to learning a new task for a child with Autism requires thinking out of the box.

When I tried to learn the game of golf, I had a good idea of what I needed to do to master the sport – the proper equipment, a patient instructor, no crowds, good weather and lots of practice to create new muscle memory.  But knowing what will work best for another individual, especially one that experiences the world entirely different from you, takes a lot of careful detective work, preparation and patience. Discovering a “user-friendly” atmosphere that is considerate of communication barriers, social challenges and sensory issues are all very important when it comes to toilet training a child with Autism.

Fortunately, golf was optional for me. Unfortunately, potty-training children is not an optional sport. All parents eventually have to face the task of weaning their child from diapers and all first time parents have similar questions. When will my child be ready? How do I begin the process? What is the best approach for me to use? What if my child resists?

In addition to these questions, the most important one to be asked if one wants to succeed is, “When the time comes how can I create a ‘sensory-friendly’ environment for my child?” The mission here is for parents to gather detailed information regarding their child’s sensory likes and dislikes, what irritates them and what soothes them, what is likely to work for them and what isn’t, weeks before they begin the training process. Gathering clues early on about your child’s relationship with the bathroom and other bathroom related activities, such as washing hands, is like putting money in the bank. The insight you acquire and utilize will give you a great return on your investment in the long run.

So, how does one create a ‘sensory-friendly’ bathroom environment for a child on the Autism spectrum? Using the information you know and observe about your child I encourage you to focus on the sensory experience your child encounters in the bathroom.

All children, similar to their adult counterparts, have their own little quirks and peculiarities about how they like things done or how certain objects feel to them. Does – “It’s too hot.” “It’s too cold.” or “It’s too big.” “It’s too small.” or “It’s too hard.” “It’s too soft.” – sound familiar to you? If you think you are stuck in the middle of the story of Goldilocks and The Three Bears you may not be too far off the mark.

Many children grumble about food and drink temperatures, the feeling of a surface or the texture of clothing. How many of us are partial to those scratchy tags they have in the necks of clothing? Parents of children with an autism spectrum disorder, who are very prone to sensory overload, often deal with such grievances on a daily basis. Here are some things to consider in trying to create a sensory-friendly potty training environment for your child.

Is your bathroom environment user-friendly to your child’s senses and if not, what accommodations can you make? Are the important articles such as towels, towel racks, step stool, and soap accessible to them? Is the texture of the tissue paper and the scent of the soap something they can easily tolerate? It is important to identify any barriers that might be in the way of success up front, such as doors, light switches, and water that is too hot.

What about possible distractions and how can you minimize them? Some decorations, fancy soaps, toys and windows can take a child’s concentration away from the task at hand. As silly as it sounds, consider mood music and lighting because a relaxing, calm and inviting atmosphere will go far in reducing any anxiety and producing the results you desire.

What equipment will be the most user-friendly to your child’s senses? What toilet seat accommodations will work best to lessen any potential for “That seat is too cold, too rough, too high”? What texture will be most soothing to him or her? Will a stand-alone potty chair or a commode with adaptor help your child feel most safe, secure and comfortable?

Will the clothing you use help your sensory sensitive child feel good and independently care of his/her toileting needs? To avoid sensory sensitivities from interfering with the potty training process, consider what your child’s sensitivities might be to fabrics and textures, pressure of elastic, tags and/or seams in advance. Forget cute and go functional! Consider loose fitting, easy-on/easy-off, knit wear. It may not look that great but the goal is to have everything feel good and be easy for your child to adjust – anything that irritates or takes time will only create a barrier.

Will you continue to use diapers or put your child in underpants? This is the one area that you want your child to have a sense of being uncomfortable. Children need to feel wetness when accidents occur – making accidents unpleasant will help you meet your goal. Use what you know about your child to determine the best way to make that happen.

The sights, sounds, smells and even the clothing your child wears can be determining factors for success or failure when it comes to potty training. Paying attention to sensory details such as the lighting in the bathroom, the sound of the toilet flushing and the texture of the toilet paper may seem a bit extreme but will pay off in the long run.

Making your bathroom a sensory-friendly place for your child is a very wise thing to do. Parents, who keep these tactics in mind as they guide their own little ‘Goldilocks’ to master this essential self-care skill, will undergo a journey that produces minimum anxiety and stress. It will also present a quicker route to a potty training experience that, as Goldilocks says, “Ahh, this feels just right!”

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For extra tips on toilet training your child with autism and information about a potty training teleclass to be offered May 2013 click here .

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We are social animals, born to be social, but that does not mean we automatically know how to interact socially. Building our social muscle is an ongoing process. It continually evolves over time. Most human beings learn how to be social through observation needing very little instruction. Others, such as children on the Autism spectrum need direct teaching in how to interact with others appropriately.

As a school social worker in a K-8 school, I facilitated many social skills groups with children that needed to learn and practice how to be appropriately social. Most of these children either had behavior issues, ADHD, or some form of higher functioning Autism or Asperger’s but individuals do not need a diagnosis to be lacking in social skills.

Over the seventeen years I worked in public education I identified more and more children off the spectrum that needed to seriously improve their social interactions. The possible reasons why this phenomenon is occurring is content for another article but by the time I left my position as school social worker I was of the opinion that ALL students required social skills improvement in some capacity or another.

What I observed was that non-autistic children tended to have no problem initiating social contact but needed to hone their skills on how to respond to a social interaction in a socially appropriate manner. Being rude and impolite during a conversation seemed to be evolving more and more as the norm and a good lesson in respect was often what was needed.

There are two parts to being social. Just as communication is dependent upon sending and receiving messages, being social requires two components as well –being socially reactive, responding to social cues, and being socially proactive, initiating social interaction.

Children on the Autism spectrum can learn to react in a socially appropriate way through effective teaching and repetitive practice but they seem to struggle most with learning how to be socially proactive. Knowing when and how to make the first move to another person in your vicinity is important for making connections. Unfortunately, children with Autism tend to isolate themselves in their own little world if others are not making demands on them. They want to be social but do not know how to approach others effectively.

Learning to be socially proactive is a very important skill that will prevent your child from being or feeling ostracized. Some parents claim their child doesn’t care and they prefer to be ‘by themselves’ and that might be true but at some point these children will start to notice and care that people don’t pay much attention to them and feel bad as a result. Their classmates and peers are not going to exercise a lot of energy into engaging your child and will definitely give up after a few attempts if the effort isn’t reciprocated.

So how do you get your child on the spectrum to care so he or she won’t get left out?

How can you help your child become more socially proactive?

Here are a few suggestions to start with:

  • Create opportunities that will encourage your child to reach out to you. An enclosed space or room with doors closed and minimal distractions will help make you the most important object in the room. Being one of the only things to focus on will increase the likelihood that your child will initiate contact with you. Refrain from being directive and practice patience then . . .
  • Always praise your child’s first move. If your child makes eye contact with you, smiles or reaches for your hand, immediately label the action as positive, why it is important and how it made you feel. Encourage any attempt that makes an effort to connect and celebrate it so your child receives the message that what he has done has a positive impact. As a result you will begin to see more of the same happening.
  • Boost your child’s social thinking. Thinking about people when we interact with them is crucial to making good social connections. Perspective taking is an innate process for many and therefore assumed that it comes naturally but not so for kids with an Autism Spectrum Disorder. I encourage you to visit Michelle Garcia Winner’s website http://www.socialthinking.com. She offers an abundance of social thinking information and activities that will help you build your child’s social thinking muscle.
  • Help your child play detective and expand her ability to understand how social minds work. When observing other individuals or watching movies/TV together ask your child why the characters might be reacting or responding that way? What might they be thinking or feeling? How does their behavior affect those around them? Using the everyday world as your social laboratory is the best way to get your child to understand different social contexts.
  • Teach your child that every encounter is a communication even if words are not used. Let your child know that what you do and how you act, not just what you say, has a profound impact upon the other person. Your social interaction with a person will color the next social exchange you have with them by what they remembered from the previous one. Most adults know this instinctively but a child with Autism often needs this explained to him.
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sensory overloadHave you heard the saying, “When you have met one child with Autism, you have met one child with Autism”?

That’s because every child on the Autism spectrum IS different. Each one experiences the world distinctively, even when compared to their own ASD counterparts. Every autistic brain is wired as one of a kind. This determines the owner’s unique sensory experience and will affect his or her behavior. As a result, each child on the Autism spectrum displays sensory related behavior that is almost as individual as his or her fingerprint.

About one in 20 children, on and off the spectrum, are diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) according to the Sensory Processing Disorder Foundation. Individuals who earn the label of SPD find it difficult to accurately filter the sensory information that is coming in – their brain either reads the sensory input as way too much or way too little.

Even though a child with an Autism Spectrum Disorder does not have a sensory impairment severe enough to warrant the SPD label, he or she can still have sensory issues. So even if your child has been evaluated for a Sensory Processing Disorder and you were told your child does not qualify, DO NOT dismiss the possibility of sensory issues triggering your child’s challenging behaviors.

Your child may be particular about her clothing and the way it feels against her skin. She may refuse to wear certain items or she may take her clothing off when it becomes too unbearable, even in public situations. I have had clients whose children gag at the smell or texture of a certain food and refuse to eat it. And there are children who have resisted potty training due to the cold, hard toilet seat they have to sit on.

Sensory sensitivities such as these and more can trigger a wide range of behaviors that are difficult to manage. But, in many cases, simply altering the environment and making it sensory friendly to your child can eliminate behaviors such as these. That’s right, soft clothing without tags, adjusting your cuisine and buying a new toilet seat or potty chair can prevent such behaviors from occurring.

Children with sensory sensitivities can be hyper or hypo sensitive to different types of visual input or certain touches, tastes, textures, smells and noises. In order to help regulate their senses and modify how they experience the world around them children on the Autism spectrum typically need to maintain a balanced sensory diet.

When senses are not regulated they can cause interference, dissonance, discomfort and even pain for your child. So if you want to change some of your child’s behaviors you first need to ask,

 “Does my child experience any sensory chaos?”

In order to find the answer, you need to look at more than the five basic senses of taste, touch, smell, hearing and sight. You need to acquaint yourself with the senses that are often overlooked.

  • Proprioceptive (how body parts move/where they are in space),
  • Vestibular (balance, where head and body is in relation to earth)
  • Interoceptive (awareness of internal organs)

I have had more than one client who had a child with very poor interoceptive awareness. This sense operates without conscious thought and cannot be observed. A poor interoceptive sense indicates a feeble connection to stimuli coming from inside the body.

As an example, if your child literally cannot feel sensations from his bowel and/or bladder (whether it is full or empty), potty training will be riddled with difficulty. His body may not be giving him the proper input or signals necessary for effective potty training and you may be reading all of this as stubborn behavior or outright resistance.

Behaviors such as these are typically not willful, planned or premeditated – they are often occurring because of a clash between the sensory input your child receives from her environment and the way the neural pathways in her brain/ nervous system are wired. Fortunately, it is possible to remove some of the obstacles that your child’s nervous system is putting in the way of behaving appropriately.

Creating a sensory friendly environment and a good sensory diet for your child takes time but it has the amazing potential for modulating behaviors. Here are a few things to keep in mind:

  1. Eliminate/reduce over-whelming sensory input – If your child is over-reacting to sensory input, there are many ways to change the situation. If your child’s sense of hearing is hypersensitive, the first option is to simply avoid overwhelming sensory settings such as parades, amusement parks and the like. When that’s not an option, consider earplugs or noise cancelling headphones.
  2. Add sensory input where needed – If your child likes to spin in circles indefinitely and crashes into things, breaking them as a result, chances are she’s craving vestibular input. You can provide that in a number of more appropriate ways by encouraging swinging, trampoline jumping or use of a hippity-hop ball.

Seeing beyond the behavior and looking at your environment with your child’s complete sensory profile in mind will help you shift your mindset from “My child is being a problem.” To “My child is having a problem.” This will make it possible for you to create a more sensory friendly living space that can eliminate previously annoying and challenging behaviors.

Unfortunately, altering the environment does not always produce ‘instant’ results – this can take time depending on the situation. If you have a child that screams every time he or she has to put shoes and socks on, finding a pair of shoes and socks that are comfortable could be a relatively easy and quick solution. On the other hand, if you have a child that tantrums when it is time to get ready for bed, that could take longer to figure out. The key to quick success is to first identify what the trigger to the behavior is and then trying to eliminate the trigger by making a shift in your child’s environment.

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How are you feeling about your parenting lately? 
Are you feeling confident and positive in your ability to relate to and deal with the behaviors your child with Autism displays?

Parenting a child on the Autism spectrum and managing their unique behaviors is never easy. If you feel as if your efforts have not been moving in the direction you would like or getting the results you want lately then I encourage you to ponder the two concepts I am about to present.

helpfultipsI know you have been surfing the web and reading books for answers. I know you have been trying to implement what the books and articles are telling you to do. But if the tips you are finding just don’t seem to be working as well as you would like them to, then maybe you need to find a way to customize the parenting tips and tricks to your situation and your child.

Autistic behaviors are so unique to your child that there is no one-size-fits-all approach. In order to work best, every piece of advice, tactic, tip, suggestion and strategy you come across must be adjusted to your child’s specific needs and the special circumstances they present. I can say this with certainty because I am always coaching parents do this and I am able to see how it transforms their relationship with their child and their life.

Another reason parents sometimes hit roadblocks is because they are so focused on “what to do” that they forget about the all-important “how to be” with their child. I believe parenting is less about ‘what to do’ and more about ‘how to be’.

What do I mean by how ‘to be’ with your child?

I am talking about how you relate to and connect with your child.

Have you really tried to understand what it is like to live in a neuro-typical world looking through an Autism lens?
Have you spent some time to ‘be’ in your child’s world and feel what it is like to ‘be’ him or her?
Can you identify with how your child experiences the world?

Once you can say yes to all of the above, you will ‘be’ more comfortable in your role as a parent of a child with Autism and better able to relate to your child as a result. You may say that you are already without stress in this role, but there is always room to grow and expand a feeling of authentic comfort. This will lead to you being more in tune with and better able to predict, and even prevent, the challenging behaviors your child with ASD engages in.

Seeing the world through your child’s eyes will help you ‘be’ the best parent for him or her. It will help you minimize doubt, experience positive change and get the results you want. If you desire to tap into this power sooner than later in order to better manage your child’s autistic-like behaviors, please review my program, Happy Parent, Happy Kids – Overcoming Autistic Behavioral Issues. Once you understand more of ‘how to be’ with your child (instead of how you think he or she should ‘be’have), the ‘what to do’ will fall into place easily. Now doesn’t that sound great?

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Please let me know what you think about the two concepts I presented above.

 

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I have always been astonished by the amazing abilities individuals with an Autism Spectrum Disorder have. Sometimes these gifts are hidden and I have to help parents dig for the treasure that lies within. Other times this extraordinary talent is obvious to all, which makes it easy for parents to nurture and cultivate.

Then there is another scenario – one where this skill, this aptitude, is forever present and threatening to interfere with other aspects of daily life. Here is such a situation that was presented to me recently:

“My grandson, 6-1/2, frequently plays ‘computer games’ in his head. He will fixate on one specific game, and will play it in his mind, complete with hand motions and sound effects, for extended periods of time. It is very hard to get him to ‘turn it off’, and since his voice level also increases when playing these games, it can be disturbing to others, especially if it is during school time. At home we prompt him with ‘Good Voice’, which means turning it down, and we also try to get his attention to distract him from playing games in his mind excessively as he completely withdraws into his own little world that way.”

What an amazing visual brain! Yet, what a dilemma!

Maybe you can identify with this exceptional challenge. Have you discovered the unique and astonishing ability your child on the Autism spectrum possesses? Does it occupy more time in the day than you would like?

Once discovered, how do you manage your child’s remarkable gift(s) so that it doesn’t hamper growth and development in other areas, such as social skill development? If your child’s strong passion to use her unique skill over and over again is presenting a challenge to you, keep reading.

The caregiver mentioned here is justified with her concerns and I applaud her for proactively seeking guidance to prevent this behavior from becoming an obsession. To her credit, she is already employing two very effective strategies that I encourage parents to use in situations such as these – prompting and distraction.

It is important to feed any child’s passion but balancing it with everything else that needs to be done and attended to is essential. Here are eight strategies to help you do this.

  1. Expand your child’s horizons. It is always good to broaden your child’s focus beyond his or her immediate environment and interests because you never know when you will discover the key to unlock the special gift he or she has been blessed with.  If your child’s talent is already apparent, exposing him to the greater world can help you channel his amazing skill onto the most appropriate path.  In the example above, it may make sense to introduce this child to the process of creating video. With such a visual talent this child could easily have a wonderful future as a software developer for video games. Beginning to explore the video game world and tapping his passion into the practical side of how video games are made could give this child something else to occupy his mind.
  2. Use distraction. When you notice your child beginning to engage in a repetitive behavior give your child something to do or start a conversation. When we are bored, we all default into behaviors that we are not even conscious of doing. So just in case the trigger is boredom, get your child physically active – engage her in exercise or some other activity she can chose from. Sometimes just asking,  “What are you thinking about?” will be enough to distract her and stop the behavior.
  3. Create opportunities for social interaction. This is a great distraction tool and will help prevent the possibility of your child becoming isolated from peers. Children with ASD struggle enough with social skills and when a child’s focus is too narrow, it becomes even more difficult to meet and make friends. Finding like-minded or other minded peers can be a challenge so take the time to explore social situations, groups, clubs, activities that will not only make your child hone his social skills but may introduce him to other interesting topics as well.
  4. Pay attention. As the caregiver above points out, her grandson will easily withdraw into his own little world therefore she has to consciously keep her grandson from disappearing into his head too often. Paying attention to the default mode you may tend to fall into when your child is ‘occupied’ and not demanding your attention is crucial. When your child is requiring very little from you it is sometimes tempting to allow the behavior to continue.  But, you must be careful not to allow your child to hyper-focus in any one direction. Remain hyper-vigilant and always asking yourself, “In what way is the behavior my child is engaging in right now helping her become the person I hope for her to be?”
  5. Use realistic prompts. Prompts can be verbal and direct or nonverbal and indirect. Identify in advance, a variety of prompts that will help modify your child’s behavior. Prompts should be taught ahead of time so the child understands what they mean. Direct, verbal prompts, are good to use when first addressing a behavior. Verbal prompts give direction and information that helps shape behavior. Parents should eventually move towards the non-verbal and less direct prompts in order to encourage dynamic thinking. Children with Autism eventually need to become proficient problem solvers on their own. Encouraging your child when developmentally appropriate to have input into prompts will not only increase the likelihood that they will work, it will also help him become more self-directed. Gradually weaning to indirect, nonverbal prompts will hasten this process.
  6. Be proactive. Seek to understand the function of these behaviors. It is important to remember that most of these are unconscious and they occur involuntarily to some degree, especially in the beginning. However, once a child realizes the rush or relief it brings to her senses and how it helps her cope it then becomes more intentional and easily gets reinforced into a habit. As long as it is deemed appropriate it can become a functional way to comfort and entertain one self but if it is seen as dysfunctional and not channeled in the right way it can easily spiral out of control. Ask what function this behavior is serving and see if you can introduce another activity – a more appropriate substitute – that will provide the same results.
  7. Focus on your child’s positive behaviors. Concentrating on appropriate behaviors and explaining the function they serve and why they are acceptable can reinforce more of the same. “I like the way your hands are being quiet. It makes it easier for you to pay attention to what is going on around you.” Then the focus can turn to redirecting the inappropriate behaviors and substituting them with more suitable outlets.
  8. Schedule time for the behavior. No one can stop a behavior cold turkey, especially if it has been meeting a physical, psychological or sensory need and there is nothing much to replace it with. Schedule times and places throughout your child’s day when she knows she will be able to engage in the behavior you are trying to modify. Allocating time for this behavior into your child’s visual schedule will comfort her to know it is not completely banned and will also teach appropriate time and place. Think of it as a gradual weaning process – as you decrease engagement in the negative behavior you slowly increase exposure to a more positive substitute.

Helping your child utilize her passions, interests and talents in a productive way is a constant balancing act yet it does not have to be a struggle. Sometimes consciously paying attention to how these wonderful gifts impact her life is all that is needed to help keep her on track to becoming the amazing person she was meant to be.

How do you channel your child’s amazing skills in a positive direction?

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parenting a child with autismThis book will put a smile on anyone’s face but the title fails to fully describe its true impact. The subtitle – New and Revised Stories That Will Warm and Inspire You –  is missing one very important piece. The collection of stories in this eye-opening book will not only “warm and inspire you” but they will ‘educate’ you as well. This delightful crash course about living on the spectrum easily lures you into the world of Autism Spectrum Disorders and informs you about the challenges that living in such a world brings.

Should the reader be someone who has only seen or heard about autism from a distance, this book is a great vehicle for inviting him or her to come one step closer. The author, R. Wayne Gilpin brings the reader to a better understanding of what it is like to live with autism in an entertaining way – you can’t help but chuckle, cry, gasp, and feel empathy as you turn these 190 pages of charming yet personal anecdotes.

If you are a parent of a child with autism that occasionally experiences feelings of isolation, pick up this book because it will bring you great comfort. Reading it confirms that other parents face similar challenges and experiences – ones that can be viewed in a positive and sometimes humorous light, especially in hindsight. In an unexpected way, this book can serve to validate life with autism and balance the difficult times with an uplifting perspective.

Each chapter focuses on a different category encompassing almost every environment and aspect of life that touches a family of a child with ASD. These real-life sketches embrace the unique qualities inherent in individuals with ASD – the sensory issues, the literal and concrete way of thinking – as well as the universal similarity they often aren’t aware of – a candid sense of humor.

The author, Wayne Gilpin, has chosen these tales wisely, representing parents, caretakers, family members, other accomplished authors such as Bobbie Sheahan, Carol Gray and Jennifer McIlwee Myers, and some unknown individuals. The sibling voice of Alex’s sister, Jennifer, is very poignant to listen to as the paper she wrote about her brother for English class is shared. The author himself shares many touching and emotional snippets as well.

This book was complied and written from the perspective of a parent that lived the reality of autism with his son, Alex, who was such a gift and inspiration. As a result, the author has left such a wonderful legacy to his son in the form of this book and the creation of Future Horizons, the world’s largest publisher of resources on autism, Asperger’s syndrome, and sensory processing disorder.

The section that is my personal favorite of this book is chapter 11, “Alex’s E-mails”. I particularly love the email he writes to his Aunt Carole where he explains that he can’t help being “a funny guy” because he has a “disease called Saying Funny Things-tism”. How precious! And how appropriate for a book full of stories about people with “Saying Funny Things-tism.”

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To purchase your own copy of R. Wayne Gilpin’s book, or one or two for someone else, go to his publishing company,  Future Horizons. To help make this purchase more affordable, you can receive a 15% discount if you use the code – PARENTCOACH – in the coupon code box when checking out. You can also benefit from 15% off other items you may wish to purchase, including conferences.

****I do need to disclose that I received a complimentary copy from the publisher for an honest review – and truthful and sincere is what this review is. Also I want you to know that the link above has an affiliate number attached to it. So yes, honestly, we both benefit from your purchase. Enjoy!

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Have you ever seen someone pushing themselves, or someone they love, so hard to attain a goal that it comes at the expense of something else? An athlete who runs the marathon yet incurs damage to his knees in the process. A wife who pushes herself to climb the career ladder to success so much that it comes at the cost of her relationship with her partner/spouse. When it comes to pushing ourselves that is one thing, we all have the right to make our own decisions and learn from the consequences, good or bad. But, when it comes to persuading and urging those we love and care about, is there a line in the sand that we should not cross?

As a parent of a child with an Autism Spectrum Disorder you may question just how forceful you need to be in order to help your child overcome challenges and achieve new possibilities. Every parent wants their child to succeed and parents of kids with autism are no different. Finding just the right balance between not enough pressure and too much is often a dilemma for most parents.

All children need to be guided – they depend on their parents and other adults to steer them in order to acquire certain life skills. Whether they are trying to succeed at riding a bike for the first time, making social connections, attempting a math problem or learning to conquer a simple daily self-care skill, children need anything from a constant yet gentle nudge to a more forceful push.

When you want your child to reach a certain goal, how much do you push without causing excessive tension and stress that could have a negative effect?

Finding the best way to motivate your child to approach a challenge is complex. The tricky part is how to encourage her in a way that avoids the possibility of unknowingly discouraging them. And just as Goldilocks did eventually, every parent needs to find a method that is “just right” for each child. That’s right, the same approach will not work for every child. Some children may respond to an approach that is “too soft” and others will occasionally prosper from a nudge that some may consider “too hard”.

The first step is to get into your child’s mind and wear his skin to see what it is like to be him and notice how he experiences the world. This will answer a lot of questions and help you customize your way of relating to him.

Here are seven strategies to keep in mind for discovering and applying just the right amount of pressure.

  1. Tap into interests – Always try to tie in one of your child’s favorite activities or pastimes into the experience when you are gently nudging him towards a goal. Using what he is passionate about, or at least interested in, will help stimulate his incentive to stretch himself as much as possible. If your goal is to reduce a repetitive behavior, distracting him with another activity or task that he really favors is helpful.
  2. Take baby steps – Finding a rhythm and intentionally pacing your child are the first things that come to mind when knowing just how much to push or not. Breaking things down into small and attainable steps is always wise. If you want your child with high-functioning Autism to become more social, then gradually expose her to small chunks of time in a social setting. Start with five minutes, and then add one or two minutes more after each success.
  3. Pay attention to signs of stress or success – Always be on the alert for signals of distress and have a plan B on hand that is ready to put in place. Stress is counterproductive to progress and can easily lure your autistic child into a state of frustration and anxiety that can lead to a negative experience making it unlikely that your child will want to pick up again where she left off. On the other hand, if you see success, celebrate it!
  4. Make it fun – Who doesn’t like fun? Find a way to keep things light and humorous. Not only will your child enjoy the process more but the contagious nature of laughter will spread throughout your child and help create a positive and powerful energy that is bound to increase his stamina towards his goal.
  5. Fine-tune your approach as needed - Paying attention to your child’s ability to transition is important here. As soon as you know a major transition is coming up and an adjustment has to be made begin shifting gears as gently as possible considering what you know about your child’s tolerance for change. The skill and finesse at which you make this happen will directly correlate to paving the way to success.
  6. Build internal motivation. Along with the ability to delay gratification, one of the best indicators for success is self-motivation. Unfortunately, parents sometimes spend too much time trying to get their child to comply with the use of external rewards. To help your child become internally motivated, remember to focus on and praise for effort more than you do on outcome. The sooner a child gets a sense that they have power and control over their own learning by the amount of effort they put into it, the less likely you will have to prod them along.
  7. Evaluate your own motivation. Whose goal is it? Take some time to honestly assess if the skill you are trying to get your child to reach is something you want as opposed to something that will really benefit her. Sometimes parents want things for their child that they were not able to attain when they were young. This is called living vicariously through your child and although it is not done intentionally in most cases, it can trigger negative consequences.

If you would like more then just a few tips to help you figure out how best to encourage your children without discouraging them, consider scheduling a time for a complimentary 15-minute chat with me via phone or Skype by clicking here.

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Are you unconsciously maintaining a roadblock that makes it difficult for your child with Autism to behave?

Children who bite, hit, scream, have tantrums and meltdowns or who resist or refuse to cooperate are the most common reasons parents seek out my personal coaching services. Most often, the reasons for these behaviors are different and the triggers to them are unique but the strategies I teach parents to use in order to address them are the same.

There are four basic strategies I encourage parents of children with an Autism Spectrum Disorder to always reach for in their parenting tool kit when managing challenging behaviors. All of them are simple yet effective and easy for parents to implement on their own. And all of them will override the most common mistake parents make when addressing behavioral issues.

Are you making this mistake when confronted with the challenging antics your adorable child displays?

To help you answer these questions let me ask you a few more.

  • What glasses are you wearing?
  • What lens are you looking through?

If you are looking at your child’s behaviors through your neuro-typical (NT) lens, you are putting roadblocks in the way and you will continue to struggle just as your child struggles to understand you through his or her Autism lens. Therefore, I want to encourage you to see, think and feel from both lenses – the NT lens and the Autism lens. They are very different and it is important that you don’t judge one through the other.

Even before your child was first diagnosed with ASD, she was experiencing life in her own very unique world – not just unique to yours but one that is different to every child with Autism. Whatever that world may be it is of utmost importance to take the time to learn about it, accept it and thoroughly try to understand it, instead of rushing to get your child to function in your world ‘as you do’.

Fortunately, you have it easy, all you have to do is understand both worlds; you don’t have to learn how to ‘function’ in both as your child does.

So now that you are looking through your child’s Autism lens what do you see?

An environment that is foreign to you I am sure. Even though your child has lived in similar surroundings since birth he probably does not experience it in the same way you do. We often parent with assumptions based on our own experiences – assumptions that our child will, should or could behave in a certain way, and, if they don’t we refer to them as ‘naughty’.

So spend some quality time with your child in her world in order to discover the many nuances of how she perceives, relates and interacts with the environment she is expected to co-exist with. Doing so will make it easier for you to shift your perspective and stop interpreting your child’s behavior using neuro-typical standards. Then you will no longer see your child’s behaviors as negative, purposeful and out of control. In addition, the information you gather as a result of joining your child’s world will provide you with the tools you need to impact her behavior for the better.

Always remember that children with an Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) desire to be good and don’t plan to fall apart but they often lack the skills necessary to cope in such a foreign and confusing environment. So here is one of the strategies I encourage parents to implement.  After taking a look at your environment through your child’s Autism lens, identify what doesn’t make sense to him and take action to alter the environment in order to make it easier for him to cope.

Remove the triggers that set her off, reduce the sensory overload in your home and eliminate as many things that cause stress as you can. Only when you acknowledge the power the environment has to impact your child’s behavior and adjust it accordingly will you remove the roadblock. Once your child experiences a more user-friendly and sensory-friendly environment, she will be more available to learn and absorb what she needs to do in order to survive in this NT world in a less challenging manner.

That’s what we do for ourselves when we are feeling bad or having trouble coping. We try to shift our environment by making things quiet, leaving a situation, taking a pill, seeing a doctor, punching a pillow, darkening a room, taking a nap, going for a walk, etc. As adults, we are able to control the things we can.

BUT a child, any young child, especially one whose skills and strengths are compromised at a cellular level making it less likely that his brain and sensory system reads the world the same way most of the population does, is less able to control his environment – so I implore you to do this for your child and then watch the results.

Shifting the way your child is able to relate to your home environment will shift the way your child relates to you. Once you comprehend the ‘what and why’ of your child’s behaviors through the Autism lens a new way of relating to your child will unfold. My goal is to help all parents create an Autism friendly environment to make that happen. For more information on how to make that happen visit this page.