Meltdowns in a Child with ASD – 5 Steps to Reduce Them

Is your child’s challenging behavior intentional or is it a defense mode reaction?

No child plans to misbehave and children with sensory issues or an Autism Spectrum Disorder, are no different. The meltdowns and tantrums they display may have more to do with being on overload than anything else. When a child does not have the skills, or the understanding, to cope with what the current environment is presenting to them, the result is often difficult to deal with, or watch.

Behaviors such as these are what can often be described as ‘fight or flight’, or what some have termed as ‘defense mode’. Defense mode is what your child goes into when he is protecting himself against a threat. Whether the threat is real or perceived, the primitive fight or flight response in the limbic brain is set into motion and the brain releases large amounts of adrenaline and cortisol, as a result stress levels increase and anxiety escalates.

When your child is in the middle of an emotional meltdown and nothing seems to work to change its course it can be difficult to think positively about your child.

• You may ask yourself, “Why can’t my child ever behave like other kids?”
• You may assign intent where there is none. “I swear she does this on purpose.”
• You may have thoughts that make it hard to feel competent about your parenting. “Why can’t I deal with my child’s behavior?”

All of these notions are counterproductive to resolving the behaviors you want to change. Therefore, in order to minimize meltdowns, it’s extremely important to discover how to keep your child out of defense mode and prevent the fight or flight instinct from being triggered.

Step 1 – Identify what is triggering the anxiety. There can be many triggers causing emotional meltdowns but the first place to look is your child’s sensory system. Sensory input can be extremely heightened in children who are on the autism spectrum. The sensations they have coming in through ears, eyes, nose, skin, etc., can be extremely overwhelming at times. They often don’t have the capacity to handle that much information and their focus turns to survival and a meltdown occurs. In situations such as this, they can become extremely unaware of their reaction and behavior in their attempt to reduce the sensory overwhelm.

One of three things can happen when this state of mind and body has been triggered –

• ‘Fight’ occurs – the child becomes physically aggressive and lashes out at others, as a result of not being able to control or manage the sensory feeling.
• ‘Flight’ occurs – the child goes to extreme measures to avoid the situation he finds uncomfortable rather than experience the sensory overload.
• Or, ‘freeze’ occurs – the child goes into “her own little world” and is unreachable.

Discovering the triggers and addressing them can prevent meltdowns. Prevention is crucial. It’s your best weapon. Your child needs to feel safe. Taking the time to truly understand your child’s mind and how he experiences the world in order to identify all possible triggers will reap many benefits.

I always encourage the parents I coach to think in two different worlds – the neuro-typical world and the autism world. If you don’t already do this, I want you to start looking at things through autism glasses. The two worlds are very distinct, very different. As an adult without autism, you don’t have to learn how to function in both worlds, all you have to do is to try to understand them – but your child with autism has to try and do both. Eventually, these two worlds will meld together on some level for your child but in the meantime you need to gain your child’s unique perspective as much as you can if you want to impact his life for the better.

Your child has been living and experiencing life very uniquely since birth and it is very important to take the time to fully understand that world. If you expect your child to function in your world without making any adjustments, she will constantly feel pulled between the two. As a result of this your child will often meltdown or retreat into a protective defense mode that creates a huge roadblock to learning how to cope in the world she has been born into but doesn’t understand.

Step 2 – Teach functional coping skills once you have identified and minimized your child’s triggers. The goal is to help your child learn how to deal with her anxiety in order to prevent meltdowns. All children need to learn how to cope with uncomfortable situations, and children with autism who tend to have highly sensitive and inaccurate alarm systems need extra practice. But one must remember that the best and only time to teach a child how to cope better is when the child is calm.

You can’t teach coping skills when a child is in fight, flight or freeze mode. The brain learns best when relaxed and learning is hindered when other things like sensory overload, anxiety, and pain are going on. All of this is getting in the way of the brain’s ability to make new neural pathways/connections. If your child spends too much time defending against these real or perceived threats, his brain will not available for taking in information – new or old. Until better coping skills are learned – all those ‘fight’, ‘flight’ and ‘freeze’ defenses can be turned on in an instant.

A good coping skill to start with is coaching your child to use deep breathing and other relaxation techniques. Breathing is something that can always be employed as no tools are needed, just the breath.

Step 3 – Be more conscious of validating you child’s feelings. When your child feels heard or feels that you understand and are OK with where she is at, it helps reduce her anxiety. It tells your child, “You are OK. I know you are doing the best you can. I’m here to help and I love you.” Affirmation such as this will make anyone feel calmer, supported, appreciated and cared for – and it doesn’t cost a penny. We all crave to be validated!

Validate your child by listening to him, giving him your full attention, tuning in to what he is really saying – with or without words, not judging or expecting him to be something or someone he is not. Validating does not mean directing your child to do something else or offering advice. It means listening and acknowledging with your entire mind and body. As a result, your child will feel good about himself – anxiety will lower and behaviors will improve.

Step 4 – Stop enabling. Of course your child can’t do everything for herself but never do things for your child that she can do or almost do for herself. Your job as a parent is to help your child become as independent as possible – to learn what she needs to do in order to take care of herself. When you step in to help your child do something she is capable of, you rob her of an opportunity to learn and grow. Too much assistance is not helpful. Instead of constantly trying to make things easier for your child by doing it ‘for’ or ‘to’ her, work together to find a system that will help her be successful at the skill you are trying to teach. As a result, your child will feel empowered enough to attempt new tasks.

Step 5 – Always presume competence in your child. The most important thing to do is treat your child like a person with potential, despite any challenges. This is called presumed competence, which should apply to everyone—especially kids who have intellectual disabilities, who really can’t speak and share their feelings, or who require extensive support. Never assume your child is incapable! What you focus on grows – so try putting the focus on a can-do attitude and watch your child blossom.

Always remember:

↓ triggers + ↑ coping skills + ↑ validation + ↓ enabling + ↑ presumed competence =

↓ anxiety ↓ defense mode ↓ meltdowns → BETTER BEHAVIOR!!!

——————————  If better behavior is your goal you may want to check out this program, The Happy Parents, Happy Kids: Overcoming Autistic Behavioral Issues or call me for a free consultation at 207-615-5457.