Promoting Independence in My ASD Child with Chores
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We all want our children to become independent adults, right? When you have a child with an Autism Spectrum Disorder your concern for their future independence is even greater.
We have an amazing task to achieve as parents, a task that most of us are really unprepared for when you come right down to it. As the euphoria of birth subsides and we begin to realize we are taking on the responsibility of transforming our adorable bundle of joy into a happy, healthy and independent human being, the duty before us slowly evolves into a daunting assignment.
And then there was that curve ball thrown when the course you planned for your parenting took an unexpected shift with a diagnosis of Autism. Then panic, worry and doubt began to creep into your thoughts. Future independence becomes one of the biggest concerns for many parents of children on the Autism spectrum. So what can be done about it?
Looking to the experts to guide you is one thing but looking to them for all the answers is another. You are your child’s best and most effective teacher and yes, there is much you can do mom and dad to have a positive impact on your child’s future. You don’t need a degree in child development. What you need is a belief in your capacity to make a difference.
Regardless of your child’s abilities, creating an independent human being begins with basic thoughts, attitudes, values and beliefs. If you don’t believe your child can become independent, guess what, he WILL remain dependent. As a parent, you have the power to transform your child into the future human being you desire. Do you believe that? You have to in order to get the job done.
Every little thing you do now takes your child one step closer to the goal of future independence. If promoting independence in your child is important to you, start early, start slow and start small with ordinary, everyday tasks that need to be done – such as chores. Engaging a child in the act of doing chores is great training for learning to manage on their own in the world. Even though your child might always require some level of care, achieving as much independence as possible will help her feel good about helping herself and those around her.
I am a big fan of planning and preparing rather than jumping in impulsively, especially when you are dealing with a child on the Autism spectrum – they like things to be orderly and make sense. Before you even begin to teach your child to do chores here are some steps for developing a mindset guaranteed to bring success:
Step 1: Adjust your attitude.
Teaching your child to do a chore demands lots of patience and an attitude of tolerance. Setting realistic expectations in the beginning and accepting that the chore will not be done to your satisfaction right away will help. It may take much coaching and loads of repetition before the job is acceptable but the process of getting there is much more important than the outcome.
Step 2: Trust in your own and your child’s ability.
Embrace the teacher in you. You don’t have to be an expert in child behavior or an expert in Autism Spectrum Disorders to teach your child anything. I believe parenting is less about what to do and more about how to be with your child. In order to instill responsibility and independence you simply have to project that your child is capable. When you convey a sense of confidence while relating to your child he will pick up on it. If you think she ‘can’t’, then you ‘can’t’, teach her.
Step 3: Plan on lots of reruns.
You already know your child’s brain is wired differently and that it takes many repetitions for neural pathways to get established. If you accept the fact that you will have to go over the same chore again and again you will be saving yourself much frustration. I know this sounds time consuming but I promise you it is quicker and easier in the long run and will give you much more return on your investment.
Step 4: Be prepared to catch yourself.
Brace yourself for the inner battle you will experience, the times when you will want to take over and do the chore yourself. I know you think it may be quicker and easier but ‘doing for’ your child once a request has been made of him only robs him of the opportunity to complete a responsibility. This can also send the wrong message that if one is slow, one can escape the job. If time is of the essence, don’t assign the chore until you know there is ample time available for both of you to focus on it.
Step 5: Acknowledge the benefits!
Taking the time to do chores will build self-confidence and self-reliance. It will help your child develop decision making and problem solving skills as well as enhance her social development. Self-affirmations such as “I am capable.” will internally motivate your child to continue finding ways to help himself. Messages such as, “I am someone who contributes” will help your child see herself as part of a whole – a team.
It’s easy for parents to fall into the trap of doing things for their children rather than taking the time and effort to teach them how to do for themselves. This may work in the present but never forget how this negatively impacts a child’s future autonomy. Don’t do a disservice to your child by doing too many things for her, thus enabling continued dependence.
If autonomy is what you desire for your child, you need to keep the big picture in mind and address the future by always thinking ahead and asking, “Is what I am teaching or not teaching my child today helping him to become the independent person I want him to be?” When developmentally appropriate independence is cultivated over time it results in a peace of mind, for you and your child, that is priceless.
Quite helpful. At times I don’t know whart he is capable of doing, and just do for him. Now after reading I will take a new approach of directing him do what he needs to until he is Abel to do it independently . What a task I have ahead of me!
As parents we often forget the role we have as teachers – sometimes we have to be more active in that capacity then we ever imagined. It is quite a task but you can do it just one baby step at a time and if you need help just holler. Please let me know how things turn out. Best wishes – Connie
Hi Connie,
I just read your article, I’m not sure if I’m too late to really instill chores into my son who is now 11. I have started a year ago with taking the trash pail to the curb (with my supervision), but I really want him to be really independent. I have an 8 yo (not on the spectrum) and I’m trying to work with him earlier than I did my oldest. Should I just follow suit with instruction with my 11 y.o. as I do my 8 y.o.?
Kim – one is never too late when it comes to parenting. Keep in mind that a developmental disability does not mean your child cannot learn new things. He can – it just may take longer unless you customize your instruction to his specific needs. Your 8 yr old child will benefit from customized instruction as well – it works for everyone! So yes, just follow suit with both but tailor your instruction to their unique needs.